Meeting My Client for the First Time

By Anonymous, a Shanti Volunteer

I remember being so nervous that afternoon as I knocked on Tom’s* door for the first time. I couldn’t stop wondering if I was really ready for this, despite all the wonderful training I had received from Shanti on being an effective peer counselor. Would he like me? Would I like him? And what could I possibly say to someone who had been through so much tragedy at such a young age?

I wasn’t surprised by the mask when Tom finally opened the door. Adrian, a care navigator from Shanti, had told me all about the mask when she had called me a week before my first meeting with Tom. She had told me about Tom’s facial deformity, the result of a bacterial infection that had forced doctors to remove part of his nose and mouth. She had also informed me of his HIV status (positive), his diagnosis as a manic-depressive and his addiction to crystal meth. I had hung up the phone with Adrian feeling overwhelmed yet intensely curious to meet this extraordinary person who had suffered so much and yet survived. A week later he was standing before me in the doorway to his apartment inviting me into his home for the very first time.

Tom led me into his small studio apartment in the Tenderloin of San Francisco, and we quietly sat across from each other in his living room/bedroom. I noticed the posters on his wall, the computer at his desk, and the clothes strewn about his room. It looked like a typical room that could have belonged to any young gay man in the city. I noticed too how carefully Tom had arranged his clothing to conceal the scars on his face. In addition to the blue surgical mask, he wore a thin scarf around his neck to hide his trachea and his long hair was groomed specifically to cover the red scar that ran the length of his forehead.

I had expected our first meeting to be awkward, as first meetings inevitably tend to be, yet Tom’s kindness made it easy and comfortable to make conversation. Shanti did a great job matching Tom and I. We have a lot in common, and I felt an instant connection to him. We spent that first afternoon talking about movies we both liked, Tom’s experiences in college, and his move to San Francisco from Virginia several years ago. Tom finally began to mention his facial deformity and I immediately noted the pain visible in his eyes. It occurred to me just how much emotion we can convey through our eyes and voice alone. He had also mentioned an art project that he had been working on concerning his ordeal and when I asked him about it, he began to cry. I didn’t know what to say so I did the only thing I could think of: I reached out and held his hand as he cried.

My first meeting with Tom had left me feeling incredibly moved. In the weeks and months that have followed that first meeting, I have had one amazing experience after the other in my role as a peer counselor to Tom. We have attended Buddhist recovery meetings together and client intakes at New Leaf. We have also spent many afternoons together at the movie theater, shopping at Project Open Hand, or just talking and getting to know each other better. Eventually, Tom became comfortable enough with me to remove his mask when I would visit. It felt truly gratifying to know that I had earned enough of his trust and respect for him to be able to do so.

Of course, my time with Tom has not always been easy. The greatest challenge I have faced has been in resisting the very human urge to try to change him. I have come to care for Tom a great deal, causing it to become extremely frustrating to watch him succumb to addiction, or cancel meetings with his therapist, or refuse to leave his house for days at a time. Yet, I have slowly come to realize why it is so important to resist those urges to change another person. Famed psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote:

“In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?”

It would have been a disastrous mistake if I had tried to change Tom, and I realize now that the best I can do for him is to provide him with my continued support, encouragement, and trust.

I have been so privileged to be able to play a part in Tom’s life at a time when he has been making so many positive changes. He has recently moved into a recovery house in the Western Addition and has been sober for several weeks, something he has been unable to do for many years! I know that the amazing support that Shanti has provided Tom has been crucial to his recovery process and his continued growth as an individual. I am so grateful to Shanti for introducing me to such a courageous and inspiring person. I can’t wait for my next meeting with Tom, when I get to hear about his new experiences on his continued journey.


*In this piece, we changed the client's name to Tom, to uphold our commitment to the confidentiality of our clients.